Tears on the sleeve of a man; Don’t want to be a boy today…

26 Jul

I’ve written.  Rewritten.  Deleted. And sat staring at the blank screen with tears in my eyes.

I just can’t seem to get this post together.

My. Heart. Hurts.

I heard from a friend yesterday.  We’d not spoken in a while, so I didn’t even realize all this was going on.  Her son is really having a hard go at life right now.  As we talked last night, chills ran down my spine – it’s like he’s living the pages of my life’s journal.  Same problems.  Same missteps.  Same struggles.  While we were on the phone, it was everything I could do to hold it together.  I wanted to shout “no!” – I wanted to cry.  I wanted to rewind everything I’d done – and everything he was doing.  Everything he is about to do.  I, as a distant friend, feel so helpless.  There’s nothing I can do.  I’ve never met her son – he’s 15 years my junior.  But I just want to do something.  And all I can do is scream at the make-believe…

For years, people have told me that I should tell my story.  That it was worth telling.  I could never see the worth in it.  But through the night last night, I have been remembering every broken stumble of that journey and I came to wonder, what if I had known my story then? What if I had some revelation that the personal hell I was experiencing and putting myself – and everyone else around me – was not some fucked up unique punishment for unknown crimes doled out from and even more fucked up universe?  What if there’d been someone in the same battered combat boots wandered down the same desolate highways to unknown busstops in the middle of countless nights?  Would I have cared?  Would it have helped? Would it have made a difference?

It harkens back to abnother post I wrote recently. What would Me now tell Me then? In a way, this is exactly what this is… My demons tell me that I am just being self important.  That it would not, in fact, have matter a nevermind one.  But another voice, faint and unfamiliar, persists with – what if it DOES help?  What if it reaches ONE kid – and that ONE maybe takes a left instead of a right?

And it’s a new set of what ifs that are not those of my closets armed with daggers and doubt.  It’s a what if of hope.

I think, maybe, it’s time to talk.

Keep my friend and her son in your thoughts.  They need all the help and love and light they can get.


8 Responses to “Tears on the sleeve of a man; Don’t want to be a boy today…”

  1. mel July 26, 2012 at 8:22 am #

    oh, love — please tell it.

    remember the ripples….and that a butterfly flapping her wings in Louisiana can cause a hurricane in Brazil……

    you have it in you to be the lantern bearer for lost souls…

    much love….xoxoxo

  2. Mynx July 26, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    All my thoughts and prayers are focussed towards your friend and her son and you also.
    What you have to say is worth saying. You are an amazing and inspirational man with a beautiful soul.
    If you feel the time is right, then tell your story. Someone somewhere might be needing to hear it

  3. Nicole July 26, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    I am a firm believer that the things that I have had happen to me and because of my behavior in my life can have an impact on someone. Even if I never know it.
    I don’t know your story but would like to hear it if you feel now is the time to share it. You have the benefit of perspective now, and sometimes that is what someone else needs.

  4. jhon baker July 26, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

    You’re beautiful and I love you.

  5. lolamouse July 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    Only you know if it’s time to share your story. I know what an inspiration you have already been to me and can only imagine that you will continue to be to others. You may never know whom your story will touch. Someone may just stumble upon it while web surfing, and it may be just the thing they needed to read.

    BTW, the Blue October song was really sad. Sounds like what someone I know once described himself as doing to people.

    • Micael Chadwick July 26, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

      It is familiar, isn’t it? I ‘borrowed’ it from an old post I found of someone saying just that.

      I think it’s all cyclical. Everything is for a reason and I think, perhaps, I am in a place that I can maybe be of some (objective) good. I don’t really know how I am able to inspire when I feel all I do is search for it myself, but if my search leads others to theirs, so be it. I’ll take it.

  6. ThePeachy1 at BeingPeachy July 27, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

    you are beyond amazing. you are beyond wonderful, you ARE making a difference in more ways than you will ever know or could ever imagine. It probably wont ever be apparent how many lives you have touched. much ❤ to you always. I am sure that your friends finds immeasurable comfort knowing her wonderful friend, understands every single thing her own son she is so worried about has went through, and then to see how fantastic you are? It is indeed all meant to be and every misstep on every path has lead all of you to the exact places you all are now.

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