It’s funny how pieces fit into puzzles you didn’t even know you were working on.

1 Sep

UPDATE: For the record and before this post gets twisted into something ugly, it’s not. It’s not a negative. It’s not accusatory. I am changing. Hopefully for the better. That’s where I was. Where I am. If, to you, it’s a negative post, then maybe you need to examine your own mirror a little closer.

Original post:

I am home. For better or worse, I’m home. I don’t know what’s going to happen next – I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do. But I’ll figure it out.

Medically, I am as well as I can be. Gotta figure out meds and doctor visits and all that sort of thing, but I’ll work it out. What a journey, right?

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I can do it on my own
Lyrics http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/jennifer_hudson/
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dog nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Looking for some light
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life

So here’s to onward and upward – or at least a little crawl and stumble up off the floor. There’s something bigger than me in all this. I just don’t know what it is at the moment. Thinking of having an art auction – which just breaks my heart to have to do – but it might generate some much needed assistance. Many of the remaining pieces already belong to someone else, but I have a few up my sleeve. Will keep you posted.

I am broken. I am defeated. I can’t seem to win. I can’t seem to please everyone. Hell, I can seem to please ANYone. I can’t seem to stay out of trouble. But I am trying like fucking mad to make the best out of it all and do whatever it is needs done. I am trying to listen to whatever is being told to me.

I just seem to have a hard time hearing right now…

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6 Responses to “It’s funny how pieces fit into puzzles you didn’t even know you were working on.”

  1. Jotter Girl September 1, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    I was going to email you about putting together an auction to help with your medical bills. I know you are talking about auctioning your own stuff, but I am sure there are a bunch of us artists that would love to contribute pieces. You can count me in. Give it some thought.

    Speaking for myself, your friendship has been a bright point and I value your example as a human being. You have done many, many things right and I hope you know you are loved by many.

    Catherine

  2. Lyndsey September 1, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    I love how you say “I am trying to listen to whatever is being told to me. I just seem to have a hard time hearing right now…” Phenomenal statement.

    Hang in there, friend. I know my own and many other’s thoughts and prayers are with you. Glad you’re home and glad to hear from you. You were missed!

  3. Mynx September 2, 2011 at 3:30 am #

    Everybody changes, grows, learns. You have helped me find a part of myself I buried and I will always love you for that. Like the others, I am here if you need me and I will help in anyway I can. Even if it is a quick chat in the middle of the night when your side of the world is asleep.

  4. lorraine September 2, 2011 at 7:33 am #

    Poignant. Honest. Soulful. Your truth. Live.

    Greatness. Gratitude. Generosity. Gifts. For you. For life.

    Heavy heart. Help. Holding hope. In our hands.

    Allow. Accept. Exhale. Enjoy.

    Breathing. Inhaling passion. Exhaling petty. Inhaling power. Exhaling pretense.

    Purge. Push. Punch. Pray. Peace.

    ~L

  5. Robyn September 3, 2011 at 7:03 pm #

    I am glad that you are home my dear Rabbit. 🙂

    Changes are painful, but you will learn from the changes that are happening, and you will survive and rise like a zombie. 🙂 Love ya.

  6. Nubian September 9, 2011 at 10:54 pm #

    Love.

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