Where have you been – are you – did you go?

1 Jul
June was a hard month ending a hard year.  I fell apart.  Fell apart is an understatement.  I totally lost my shit.
And then, I stood there among the mess, and decided what mattered.  A whole big fucking lot didn’t.
I still, a year later, have not really processed what this whole living with HIV means.  I don’t know what to do with it yet.  I don’t know where to go from here.  And the tough part is that it is always here.  It will always be here.  It’s not one of those “I’ll think about that tomorrow” things.  It’s like living with a monster under the bed – always.
But I’m working on it.  I am a writer now for a new online and print magazine gear toward the A&F Generation and HIV/AIDS.  I’ve written two pieces for it already for it’s debut in October.  I am working on one that is really giving me fits in regard to actually day-to-day living.  I had a kid (18 – 20) year old tell me recently that “it’s not that big of a deal.  They have medicine now.  Just take a pill.”  And it went ALL over me.  True.  There’s meds.  But people are not realizing what that entails.  I blame the media because that is really how they are treating this plague.  So people have become and ARE becoming more so complacent.  This essay I will probably post here for feedback so y’all can talk me down from it.  Because this subject REALLY pisses me off.  All these pretty people in these ads as the face of AIDS is bullshit.  BULL.  FUCKING.  SHIT.
Anyway – more on that later.
I have also been really conscious of removing negative energies from my world.   There are a lot of people here in blog land that I really, really, really dislike.  They read as false and negative and extremely harmful.  So they are gone.  Unfortunately, by association, I have pulled back from a great many of you.  Their energies reside in you as well, and I can’t have that.  So if I am distant, that may well be why.
So yeah, that is where I am/where I went/have been.  I think I am back.  I am as back as I am able to be for now.  I’ve got so much art going on and project on the fire that blogging is kind of low on that list, but I am making an effort.  I just tend to drink my coffee out of doors with a paintbrush in hand these days rather than sitting at the proverbial internet cafe.
Speaking of…  Where the hell IS that paintbrush?  I have a date with Vincent today.

This – for a short answer – is where I went:

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11 Responses to “Where have you been – are you – did you go?”

  1. Mynx July 1, 2011 at 7:26 am #

    Welcome back. And thank you for teaching me the pleasure of a paint brush in one hand and a coffee in the other. Except I keep forgetting the coffee and it goes cold.

  2. MicaelChadwick.com July 1, 2011 at 7:27 am #

    It's been so amazing to be able to watch you bloom as an artist. I am just so honored to bear witness.

    And hey, at least you are drinking cold coffee and not the paint water! That shit WILL wake your ass up though…

  3. MicaelChadwick.com July 1, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    I am actually in several. But like with AA and NA for me – it's a whole lot of WOE is me. I don't do well in that environment. That's why the blog became such a problem for me – it was a lot of complaining about shit I can't do anything about rather than focusing on all the positive energies in the universe. I don't see any point in rehashing how we got here. We're here. Let's deal with that. If that makes sense?

  4. becca July 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    welcome back and any words you write are always a blessing to me. you have a way of making me smile so i enjoy whatever you give me little or alot.

    hugs now go don't keep Vincent waiting

  5. Lolamouse July 1, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    It's true that when caught early and responsive to treatment, HIV is not always the death sentence it used to be, and there are some people to whom it is “no big deal.” While this makes HIV less stigmatizing overall (maybe?) and may encourage people to get tested and treated, it leaves those who don't respond to treatment or who can't tolerate the side effects feeling even more stigmatized at times.

  6. MicaelChadwick.com July 1, 2011 at 1:57 pm #

    I think that is my point though. Because of all this 'no big deal' mentality and the thought that there's a pill is causing so many to NOT get tested and NOT be responsible. Because they can just take a pill (or 40). So they are then not getting tested thereby missing out on the early detection.

    And no, it's not the death sentence it was once. But it is a life sentence – as in it will be with you for life.

    I don't feel stigmatized at all. I feel that the community – the HIV community as a whole – is doing itself a disservice in its complacency.

  7. Lynne July 2, 2011 at 5:47 am #

    Hiya handsome.. we both are back.. sorta.. Our society is complacent about so many things it makes me quite ill and pray all that much harder (did u realize ur birthday was the 30th anniversary since the CDC officially recognized AIDS?) I'm proud you are in tune and writing , maybe your words will kick start and educate those closed mined souls.
    Love you man!

  8. Pearson Report July 4, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    Welcome back Micael. You have been missed.

    I can't possibly fathom what your life's journey is like living with AIDS, but I can say that you sharing it here and making it real is truly appreciated.

    Sometimes the very thing that impedes our journey is what gives us the strength to forge forward – this is how I feel when reading your writings – you truly are a persistent and determined man (bad language and all) and for that I reach in this comment and hug you deeply.

    Keep writing, keep sharing and keep arting…I am but a distant soul but I share your need to connect.

    As always, feel the light,
    Jenny

  9. Jhon Baker July 4, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

    There has always been a disparity between what AIDS is and the way it is portrayed in the media. There are too many sponsors checks that hang in the balance for the truth to be told. I don't think that it has changed much in the way many people want to keep it as far away from them as possible. Shameful. Even the voices that can be heard are often filtered to nonsense. shameful. I am buoyed to read that you will be writing for a new publication dealing with the reality of AIDS and that which surrounds it.
    there are many days your creative spirit and art in the face of true tragedy keep me going, keep the pistol from my mouth and inspire me to continually be creative in anyway I can be at that moment. Thank you MC for everything you have given me through our friendship.

  10. ~L July 4, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

    Micael,
    you are my HIV hero!
    I'm so proud of you for sharing your raw, honest, heartfelt, and soulful experiences with this fucked up world. YOU are the face of Aids and YOU will change minds and open hearts. I am learning from you.

    Please continue to direct our hearts into higher understanding of your life sentence. I celebrate you friend Rabbit.

    peaceful hugs today ~L

  11. Lovkyně July 5, 2011 at 10:42 pm #

    it's disgusting how much people love to undermine the suffering of others. they just don't want to think about it because it doesn't fit in with their worldview and, for whatever reason, they're too stupid to have learned by now how to deconstruct and reconstruct their worldviews.
    also, the people who say things like that are undermining your pain in order to undermine the strength you have for surviving it. sometimes people want to feel like they're the pillars of all human strength and find ways to dismiss the evidence otherwise.

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