>Giving Thanks (Away!)

15 Nov


[This is another revisit from the past.  Wrote this several years ago for a good laugh.  Thought I’d give it another run in honour of the upcoming holidays.  I actually won a bit of recognition for this piece over at Gawker.com too!  Fact?  Or fiction?  You decide!!!]
Last thanksgiving, my mother, who can’t cook to save her life (Bless her Heart) decided she was going to make the turkey. My sister called me almost in tears in a total freak out hysterical panic to inform me of this. (I already had another turkey that I was cooking so it really was not THAT big of a deal.)
I told Belle not to wet herself as I was still making my turkey. All was (relatively) well. Well Mimi (mom) found out I was still making the turkey and refused to speak to ANY of us. We had to keep chasing our eyes down the street as they kept rolling out of our heads – but with Mimi this is not all that unusual. She’s a little “Miss Scarlet!! Miss Scarlet!!” melodramatic.
Anyway, turkey day comes and we’re having the festivities at Belle’s house. Mimi is protestingly late so we all can noticed her extreme displeasure in her lack of culinary talent. She finally shows up about an hour late with much fanfare with her four little rat-sized dogs (tea cup Maltese) in tow (creating said fanfare).
Not the real turkey…  But damned close.
We’ve already got the table set and so on – but Mimi yanks the centerpiece off the table and sets it on the floor and proceeds to chunk down her GIANT ASS TURKEY – still covered mind you – right in the center of the table. I thought she’d gotten confused and cooked an entire calf instead and Bessie was out in the field lookin’ for her baby. How Mimi carried the son of a bitch I will never know.
With a drag queen’s flourish she yanks the cover off to reveal the blackest mother fuckin’ turkey you have ever seen in your life. And, honey, it wasn’t seasoning that made that sucker black. It was the good old fashioned fires of hell that burnt that poor bird to oblivion. Needless to say, eyes bugged out as we tried to silently figure out how the hell we were gonna get around this one. Silently, that is, except for my damned baby brother. James David lost it. HYSterics. Snorting, farting, crying, knee slapping hysterics.
Then Mimi lost it and let him have it with a string of expletives that would make a Sailor’s asshole pucker.

At which point all hell broke loose – my other sister joined in the roaring laughter with James David – Belle started bawling – the dogs are going apeshit – my twin nephews at this point are hiding UNDER the table (smart guys, those two).

Mimi then proceeds to rip the turkey out the pan with her bare hands – kicks the back door open, shattering the window in the process – and HURLS the turkey into the back yard.
Where it LANDS on one of her rat dogs…
And knocks the dog the fuck out.
We (Mimi and I) ended up spending the rest of thanksgiving at the vet’s office with an unconscious wad of fur.
Gotta love crazy southern families.
And yes, the damn dog was fine.
This really is one of her neurotic dogs, Baxter.

30 Responses to “>Giving Thanks (Away!)”

  1. Midwestern Mama Holly November 15, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    >Oh Sweet Chester Cheesus!! This is freaking hilarious!! Honestly, I laughed so hard *I* farted and snorted too!!! Im dying to ask who cooked Christmas dinner.

  2. Rabbit November 15, 2010 at 10:52 am #

    >We ate out.

  3. Jumble Mash November 15, 2010 at 11:03 am #

    >OMG that is hilarious!! Probably sucked for you, but it did give me a good laugh. Thanks!

  4. KaLynn ("MiMi") November 15, 2010 at 11:04 am #

    >I'm chasin' MY eyes down the street as they have rolled outta MY head! =0) Har Har! Thanks for the kackle this morning! Love ya hun!

  5. Simple Dude November 15, 2010 at 11:18 am #

    >That's brilliant. As much hell as family can be, they sure do provide oodles of entertainment value and laughter… usually well after the fact. SDsimpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

  6. Rachel November 15, 2010 at 11:20 am #

    >sounds like the first time my sister cooked Thanksgiving dinner. She called and asked how long she should cook the turkey because she'd had it in the oven at 500 degrees for a couple hours and that button just wouldn't pop! I laughed so hard I slid down the wall in tears. FYI, I was watching the Food Network Saturday morning, and one of the chefs had an apricot tequila glazed turkey. I desperately want that.

  7. Mustang Sally November 15, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    >OMG that is freaking hilarious! I about peed my pants. Threw the turkey out the back door and landed on the DOG … poor little baby! Seriously the funniest bit I've seen in a long time.

  8. Oilfield Trash November 15, 2010 at 11:47 am #

    >It looks better than the turkey on Christmas Vacation.

  9. Nicki November 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    >Flying blackened turkeys are the precise reason I invested in dogs that weigh over fifteen pounds.Also, I'm giving thanks to this much-needed hilarity in my miserable Monday.

  10. Vencora November 15, 2010 at 1:28 pm #

    >haha. love it. thanks for the laughter. ^_^

  11. Nubian November 15, 2010 at 2:45 pm #

    >Baxter is adorable and I gave this post a 5 star rating!

  12. willow November 15, 2010 at 3:34 pm #

    >Gosh, I still don't understand how anyone could possibly burn a turkey, unless they had the oven turned up to 500 blazing degrees!

  13. becca November 15, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    >this is the reason i refuse to have family gathering that and my family for the most part do not like me but whatever. Love the story bout made me pee my pants in laughter.

  14. Mynx November 15, 2010 at 4:16 pm #

    >I thought this sort of thing only happened in the movies. We dont do Thanksgiving here (Australia)and the last time I saw food flying was when my brother and his horrible wife had a fight, and then it was only cake.

  15. Mrs. Hyde November 15, 2010 at 5:37 pm #

    >That's some funny shit. I bet that poor dog runs every time a turkey commercial comes on TV. Gotta post this on FB.

  16. Lynne H. November 15, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    >Oh you .. after a stressful as hell day at work, reading this was perfecto.. HILARIOUS!!I think the best part was the turkey knocking the dog out..hahahahaha!!!

  17. Didactic Pirate November 15, 2010 at 8:01 pm #

    >"In a battle between turkey and terrier… there can only be one survivor."(That'll be the voiceover for the movie adaption of this post. Which is great, by the way.)

  18. Caty November 15, 2010 at 8:44 pm #

    >oh my gosh, that was one funny story. Your family must know my somewhere back! and that is one cute little puppy!

  19. Marlene November 15, 2010 at 9:16 pm #

    >Cheeses of Nazareth – this was frickin' hilarious!!!!!!

  20. bruce November 15, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    >LMFAO….haveing difficulty typing..great post, man…*and your little dog too…*good to know that there are documented cases of ThanksCraziness outside of the limbs of my family tree…

  21. The Absence of Alternatives November 15, 2010 at 11:37 pm #

    >"Miss Scarlet. Miss Scarlet" melodramatic.I love it! LOLp.s. You cook too? Damn. What they say is true: all the good ones are gay. *sigh*

  22. Bukowski's Basement November 15, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    >hilarious stuff…

  23. Lolamouse November 16, 2010 at 7:16 am #

    >Much thanks for a well needed laugh. The "Bless her heart" reminded me of my years of living in South Carolina when they would gossip and insult someone behind his/her back and always end it by saying that! We just adopted a Maltese but it's 12 pounds. Still no match for a flying turkey (anyone remember that WKRP episode? "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!!!")

  24. Laugh. It's Life in Progress November 16, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    >LOVE IT!!!!! And great visual on the flying black ass turkey and poor knocked out dog… Have to love the family get togethers. I remember that WKRP episode lol.

  25. Me, myself and I November 16, 2010 at 4:32 pm #

    >OMG I laughed so hard when the turkey hit the dog! I wish my Thanksgivings were half that entertaining! This is the first time I have visited your blog and I have to say it kicks ass!Jess

  26. Pat Tillett November 16, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    >That was friggin' hilarious! I follow an assload of blogs. Yours is the only one that sometimes gets read out loud to my family…We were all laughing our loud at this one. Great fantastic tremendous story my friend!

  27. Semi True Torystellar November 16, 2010 at 8:04 pm #

    >Oh My Goodness! I read this 3 times to make sure I didn't miss anything due to my vision blurring from the tears rolling down my cheeks because of the laughter. I read this out loud to my husband the last time through so he could share in my hysterics. I just only found you and I'm so glad.

  28. Mynx November 16, 2010 at 10:49 pm #

    >I have ben given an award that this story fits perfectly. So i am passing it to you. Pop over my blog and grab it some time.

  29. Toni November 17, 2010 at 8:08 am #

    >So, I am finally seeing light at the end of this sick tunnel I have been in. I get up this morning feeling like I have been hit by a truck, read this, and laughed until I thought I might bring on another bout of diarrhea! Lord have mercy, Rabbit!! As mean as it sounds, the dog being knocked out by that turkey is the funniest thing I have ever heard!! Thanks for the laugh…and the hershey kiss in my pants from that laugh 🙂 Love you!

  30. Kaylen November 18, 2010 at 3:53 pm #

    >LOVE this story!! I have no classic dinner stories to match, though one time at thanksgiving at my ex-husbands family's house (my son and I are close to them), there was about ten people at the table and 8 separate conversations going on and half were really loud because hard-of-hearing people and half were loud to talk over those other half, and the girl cousin (33 yrs old), leans over to her husband and says: Want to go upstairs and do it? But just as she said it, it was one of those times when all the conversations had just taken a pause-so the entire table (my 14 yr old son included) heard every word of that question.Thanksgiving is fun!

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