4 Nov


Image sent to me from Bukowski’s Basement

the numbers are up
and cartwheels
are being turned
your celebratory
Soduku game
of my life
means shit to me
when shit
is all i feel

i call Sylvia
“Hey Jupiter,
nothing’s still the same”
but no one’s picking
up the phone
and no one answers

if cheese sandwiches
duct tape
and an upiloted
500 degrees
would not be
more gratifying)

you can have my crown
my thorns
my sword
my shield
my warm fuzzy
and rabbit ears
tired of it all

i just want to sleep
on my bed of nails
and martyred status

© 2010 | Micael Chadwick

For what it’s worth, I heard from my doctor yesterday and my numbers are, in fact, up.  It really means fuck all to me because I still feel like complete and utter shit.  It’s become nothing more than a fucking numbers game for everyone to get excited about and cry over.  And that is all it is: a fucking game.  Today they are up; tomorrow they can be back down again.  It hinges on so many minute factors.  This month’s scratch off wins you a mother fucking Big Mac.  Chow the fuck down.  But they are up.  Whoopie.  I just want to go to bed but I can’t even get comfortable and I can’t fucking sleep.

7 Responses to “>Zedoary”

  1. Georgina Dollface November 4, 2010 at 9:15 am #

    >It's hard to get excited about charts and graphs that supposedly say all the right things but you still feel like crap. And then when it comes to telling them what you need, it's your word against their "scientific proof". I remember when I had major spinal surgery in my adolscence and the orthos would get all excited about the X-rays, pointing to this gray area or that blurry patch and say, "See, that's where the bone is growing in!" and in the meantime, I still couldn't tolerate sitting for more than 30 minutes. "FU and your stupid Xrays, doc!" I'd scream in my head. – G

  2. Rabbit November 4, 2010 at 9:22 am #

    >Exactly, Georgina. The whole world around me is celebrating and all I want to do is punch someone or stab them in the throat with those damned bloodwork needles.In some ways, I wish the results had been poorer because at least then it would make sense – I would have something to work toward. As it stands now – I am in the "yippee you're well(er)" phase and not a fucking thing is changing. I don't know what to do.

  3. Marlene November 4, 2010 at 9:51 am #

    >That has got to be disheartening…I mean, the numbers are going up but you still feel like hell. I know you can't help but wonder if you're ALWAYS going to feel like hell, despite proof in the numbers that you're getting better. Hang in there. I'm praying for you. xoxox

  4. Kiki November 4, 2010 at 11:00 am #

    >Your numbers going up, even temporarily, is a small victory. But it is just the first step. I truly wish it was a better reflection of how you feel so maybe everyone else would understand. Unfortunately, you body is trying to heal itself and considering how sick you really were, it's gonna take a while. I wish there was a magic pill that you could take to make it all better. And no, cyanide is not an option.

  5. Pat Tillett November 4, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

    >If you feel like crap, words aren't gonna change that. hang in there…

  6. becca November 4, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    >i totally get the numbers game from a different point of view and for a completely different reason so i am offering you a virtual hug and do what i do say Screw it and move on. what is going to happen will happen regardless of the numbers.

  7. Mrs. Hyde November 5, 2010 at 12:04 am #

    >I agree with Pat. It's hard to offer comfort when I can't truly understand your pain. Just know that I am sending powerful thoughts of healing your way and anything else I can do, just let me know.

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