>Let’s Be Honest

12 Oct

>

The state of my existence is such a conundrum for me lately. In short, I am miserable. I’ve survived some pretty shitty periods in my life. I’ve weathered storms. I have had near life experience. I’ve emerged unscathed where most would have laid down and died. But I am having a harder time with this current leg of the race than I ever recall having in any circumstance. And, what bugs me most, I don’t know what to do about it or how to escape it.  It is what it is and I haven’t many other options.  Perhaps that is where in lies the problem.  I despise being backed into a corner. I despise having no way out. I am tired of brick walls and the end of one way streets.  But where do I go?
I am finally receiving some own my own money again. Yet I feel like I haven’t any control over it whatsoever. I don’t dare complain – or even mention it – for fear of inspiring ire. I feel like I not only walk, but eat, sleep, and lie on eggshells. I don’t feel that I am capable of doing much right these days. I live in my room – in my cave – and try not to make too much of a mess or make too many waves. It’s suffocating.
Things are looking up.  I qualified for SSI and Medicaid.  I am waiting to hear (still!) about final approval on Disability, but have been told that it is safe to assume that too will be approved.  Medicine and doctors will be paid for with hopefully a little of my own money to “live on” -whatever that means.  But despite all that, I feel the walls closing in.  I can’t write.  I have no motivation to create. I HATE not working. I haven’t (m)any friends or anywhere to go.  And no, going to Walmart does not count as somewhere to go.  I would rather sit in my room and sandpaper my own rectum that go to Walmart, so fuck that. I really, REALLY, need a new computer. This one is on its last nubs – the legs fell off a long time ago.  Magic Gumbo is really taking off (don’t miss the new special this month, by the way), which helps with spending money when the work is there.
With everything looking up, I feel more down than ever. I am just weary, I guess.  I am weary of not living. I am weary of the fear of being “in trouble” for anything I do. I am weary of not having any money of my own. I am weary of never feeling 100% – hell, I would be happy for 50%… Weary this. Weary that. Weary. Weary. Weary. Just worn the fuck out.
So yeah, it’s Titty Baby Day Tuesday. I haven’t anyone to bitch about or yell at or cuss about other than myself.  Just call me Woella of the Woeisme Tribe.
Boo fuckin’ hoo, Rabbit.
And now, after moaning about it, I am just pissed the fuck off. And there’s fucking dog barf on my floor.
GRRR…
Someone please pass the Happy Pills.  And the Vodka.
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18 Responses to “>Let’s Be Honest”

  1. Georgina Dollface October 12, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    >You are almost at 100 followers! That's pretty cool. I know it's hard to write about the shitty days sometimes and then not get down on yourself for writing about the shitty days, but I really do appreciate your honesty. I've never thought of you as someone who mopes or has pity parties, but that's also not to say that anyone expects you to be upbeat all the time. I, and I know many others, am your friend because you tell it like it is. I'm glad to hear some of medical and financial supports are being approved, but I also know that sometimes that too can feel like people are in your business – social workers, insurance adjusters, etc, etc, all measuring and tracking and blah, blah, blah, blah. Hugs – G

  2. Toni October 12, 2010 at 9:19 am #

    >OK…let's look at the positive.You are here still kicking and telling it like it is.You have a roof over your head and food in the belly.You have a damn cute dog who loves you to pieces and that you love to spoil.You have many followers who think you are just awesome-fucking-possum.You are a beautiful, creative soul.You put a smile on the face of others even when your own smile is hiding.You take the time to listen.You care.You love.You shine.You hate when I say all this "stuff" but you still smile because that redneck girl in NC is persistent in saying it anyway.And…I love you!So let the bitching out, I'll listen. And then I will tell you one more time how great you are and what you mean to me (I know it makes you grrrr…). Sorry 🙂

  3. Nubian October 12, 2010 at 10:01 am #

    >Do you need me to write to Sarah Palin and ask her to say something 'profound' and then we can have a bitchfest?Do you need me to get off this sofa and come over there and tweak your nipples. Hugs xox

  4. Lolamouse October 12, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    >You can boo hoo all you want. That's what blogging is for. I'm glad I wandered upon your rabbity goodness despite it being a "down" time for you. I've kept a little piece of paper in my dresser for at least 10 years with these words on it: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" There have been times that that piece of paper got me through the day. That and chocolate!

  5. KaLynn ("MiMi") October 12, 2010 at 10:18 am #

    >Where do you want to go? All you have to do is tell me. I'm sorry you feel like you have to live in a cave. I'm sorry you feel like you have no control over your money. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I never meant for you to feel that way. I love you. Muches.

  6. Caren Gittleman October 12, 2010 at 10:43 am #

    >I hate to hear you sound so down. You DO have friends! It isn't the number of friends it is the quality of them. I hope you will always view me as your friend.It is ok to bitch and moan. Anyone that tries to create a front of everything being good every day is lying and fake.You are in touch with yourself and real.Things WILL improve!

  7. Lynne H. October 12, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    >Toni said the most (them Carolina girls always stealing us Bama girls thunder)…and I agree Wal-Mart is not out..You do need to get out every day even if it's a wal;k around the lot..that is a must.. and tell me when them blue flowers bloom, that I must experience..and another thing gonna see what we can do about that there raggedy (your words) computer. I think a laptop would be awesome and you could go outside and write in the fresh air.. Let me see….

  8. Mrs. Hyde October 12, 2010 at 1:13 pm #

    >Everyone has days when they just don't feel like trying. But it's on those days that trying is even more important. It's amazing how you can become friends with someone and come to care about them in such a short period of time. You and I haven't been friends that long, but I already love you to death because you always speak from your heart. Your zest for life, your fighting spirit, and your hilarious commentary are what drew me to your blog…drew me to you. I want you to look around your room, out your window, or at your dog and find ONE thing that makes you smile. Then I want you to focus on that awesome thing all day until you get it: you still have reasons to be happy! All the red tape, bureaucracy, and buck-passing fuck that bullshit! Don't let them steal your joy because you have so many reasons for which to be joyful. Think of it this way: your happiness pisses them off. And I know how much you love to piss people off…Hang in, sweetie. You can cuss me out now. You know you want to. :p

  9. Mrs. Hyde October 12, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

    >Everyone has days when they just don't feel like trying. But it's on those days that trying is even more important. It's amazing how you can become friends with someone and come to care about them in such a short period of time. You and I haven't been friends that long, but I already love you to death because you always speak from your heart. Your zest for life, your fighting spirit, and your hilarious commentary are what drew me to your blog…drew me to you. I want you to look around your room, out your window, or at your dog and find ONE thing that makes you smile. Then I want you to focus on that awesome thing all day until you get it: you still have reasons to be happy! All the red tape, bureaucracy, and buck-passing fuck that bullshit! Don't let them steal your joy because you have so many reasons for which to be joyful. Think of it this way: your happiness pisses them off. And I know how much you love to piss people off…Hang in, sweetie. You can cuss me out now. You know you want to. :p

  10. becca October 12, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

    >wow you made my day look good….hope this doesnt offend but "Big Hugs" just wanted to send support. as for money i hope the disablity comes through took me three years to get mine and i only got it after the doctor confirmed end stage renal failure so i hope it works out. any how hope things get better and keep up the great job on the blog i love reading it.http://becca-mycrazystuff.blogspot.com/

  11. RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild October 12, 2010 at 1:33 pm #

    >Stopping in to lend support. I'm so sorry for all the crap you've been challenged by. I do argue with your statement that you can't write. You write very well, and I'm sure lots of folks could relate to at least some of the feelings you've expressed. I hope this outlet helps in some small way. It does help me, somehow, to read your writing.With support and friendship,xoRobyn

  12. The Barreness October 12, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    >Personally, I think it's kinda hot when you get a whiney.Also very interested in the offer of nipple tweaking one of your earlier commenters gave.Possibilities are endless…BIG hugs,B x

  13. Pat Tillett October 12, 2010 at 3:35 pm #

    >Only one thing I totally disagree with…You said "I can't write." I'd give a testicle to be able to come up with the stuff you do. Even today's post, in which you said you "can't write," is brilliant…

  14. FreeFlying October 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

    >Oh my goodness. I am so with you when it comes to the walking on eggshells. Sometimes I feel like everyone has some secret rulebook that they all follow to be "right" and I just don't know how to play. And I'm doing everything wrong and social gaffe-ing all over the place, but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be getting blamed. Because it's clearly THEIR fault for not copying a freaking book for me. I mean, just leave it under the doormat or something, jerkwads.

  15. Nariane October 12, 2010 at 6:23 pm #

    >LOL @ all the commentsI can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said… so yeah, what Toni said! and Nubian had a great idea. Palinisms are usually good for a rant or too.

  16. Marlene October 12, 2010 at 6:59 pm #

    >All I can say is this…..BIG HUGS. xoxox

  17. gayle October 12, 2010 at 8:45 pm #

    >Nothing I can say will really make you feel better physically. Just know I am thinking of you!

  18. Jhon Baker October 13, 2010 at 5:12 am #

    >breathe in breathe out – go find a park and masturbate in the bushes.

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