>Give me a – insert favourite curse word here – break!

27 Sep


I just came across some dumbass bullshit article on “How to Get Your Kids to School on Time.” Please.  It yammered about negotiating with your child, create a reward system for acceptable behaviour, blah blah blah and shut the fuck up.  This is about as big a wad of fetid donkey shit as those spazzed out, perfectly coiffed, Gap clad, yuppie larva Mommies (yes, complete with a blog to tell you ALL about it) instructing their demon spawn to use their “Inside Voice” when the little fuck is doing its best Reagan Pea Soup impersonation in public.  Fuck a bunch of that on an idle Tuesday.  Beat that kid quiet, lady.
Here’s my advice on how to get your Poster Child for Birth Control to school on time:

  • 1. Grab ungrateful, whiney fuck by the hair of its head. Be certain to maintain a firm grip.
  • 2. Drag child – by hair – to front door.
  • 3. Open door.  (Don’t want to break any bones or muss up the door with a bloody nose.)
  • 4. Forcefully hurl child out open door, careful to release the hair so as not to scalp the child and cause the ever popular Mangey Ass Dog (also known as ‘Emo’) Look.
  • 5. Kick child swiftly in the ass.
  • 6. Inform them that if they are late for school, the 2×4 – decorated with their named in sparkles – in the garage will be fully employed upon their return home.  (There will be no waiting for Daddy to get home and save you. Your ass is mine.)

Nine times out of ten, this works brilliantly.  If the above method fails, simply retrieve the aforementioned 2×4 from the garage and chase said child down the street frothing like an antagonized bull whilst screaming “Run you little bastard!!!  RUN!!!”  A bit more showy method, but highly effective as a back up plan – and extremely entertaining for the neighbours.
You’re welcome.

17 Responses to “>Give me a – insert favourite curse word here – break!”

  1. Balor September 27, 2010 at 8:11 am #

    >Hahahahaha I love it!!!!

  2. Simple Dude September 27, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    >Brilliant. I don't have kids myself, so I can't confirm that you have come up with a sure fire plan, but it sounds pretty fucking good to me. Besides.. that system or something awfully similar worked just fine on me to get my little lazy ass off to school – why should kids today be treated so differently??SDhttp://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

  3. Rabbit (aka Micael Chadwick) September 27, 2010 at 8:33 am #

    >Right! I come from a generation that if you backtalked, you got a punch in the face – right in the middle of Dairy Queen – and no one blinked an eye.

  4. Georgina Dollface September 27, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    >I was watching an episode of Mad Men the other night and the kids were in the bedroom making a ruckus, jumping on the bed, etc, etc. Don Draper opened that door of his bedroom and yelled, "That's enough! Knock it off and go to bed!" and the noise stopped. And that's the way it was when I was a kid. There was no discussion about it or trying to figure out how it made other people feel, etc, etc etc. It was clear and simple and we didn't have to waste our mental energy trying to psychoanalyze ourselves. Sometimes I think we put too much pressure on kids to sort through things in their heads when they are really looking to adults to tell them what to do and not do. I turned out OK, as did most people I know in my generation. – G

  5. Rabbit (aka Micael Chadwick) September 27, 2010 at 9:03 am #

    >I agree. There was no "negotiating" when I was young. Mom said. We did. No questions asked. We knew right and wrong. We knew our boundries. If we chose poorly, we suffered the consequence. We were not bribed to behave. We just did. I think, like you said, with all this overanalytical bullshit we are doing more damage than good in raising a generation that not only can not think for themselves, but also are not accountable for ANYthing they do.Okay, let me climb down off this soapbox before I fall…

  6. The Barreness September 27, 2010 at 10:28 am #

    >Brilliant and halle-fucking-lujia.Having just spent the weekend with two of the worst behaved house apes in the history of failed condoms, I am ALL FOR the…aggressive(?) approach to parenting.Or the tying of tubes.Either, really.- B x

  7. Nubian September 27, 2010 at 10:59 am #

    >Love it!! Bloody funny stuff, great for the Monday morning blahs.

  8. Toni September 27, 2010 at 11:06 am #

    >I have no need for a 2×4…I stand up (and use "the look") and my kids do whatever they are supposed to do. There is a huge difference between beating and discipline. My kids know they will get an ass whipping if they don't follow mom protocol. Luckily for them, I haven't had to spank an ass for a while now because they are getting older and don't like the fact that I will still take them down when provoked.So, forget a reward system…stand up, give the look, and tell them to get thier ass in the car, on the bus, or get to walking. Sometimes acceptable behavior is most easily attained with a swift foot to the ass.

  9. The Ranter's Box September 27, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

    >Somebody has to set boundaries for those little f*ckers! Perhaps you can create an instructional video for youtube complete with sparkly 2×4!Hugs, The Empresshttp://rantersbox.blogspot.cocm

  10. Me, myself and I September 27, 2010 at 2:12 pm #

    >Amen. My son knows that mom means business.And not all Mommies with blogs are the yuppie suv driving types.;)Jess

  11. Vencora September 27, 2010 at 5:52 pm #

    >"also known as emo" LMFAO!

  12. Lynne H. September 27, 2010 at 6:57 pm #

    >As a Mom to five…, well you know I did not play the radio..I tolerated not an ounce of sass or whining.. honest..and yes in my day, well sassing was equivalent to an ass whooping..plain & simple

  13. A Bitch Called Mom September 28, 2010 at 12:22 pm #

    >Chasing my kids up the street with a 2×4 is a regular Monday morning occurrence around here. My neighbors are used to it. If they're late for school, that just means more time that I have to spend with them. And I'm not having that shit.

  14. Nariane September 28, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    >In our house "because I said so" is as close to negotiating with your child is it gets.I also have perfected the 'death glare' – moves 'em out right quick it does.

  15. Kiki September 28, 2010 at 5:35 pm #

    >It wouldn't be so funny if I didn't know that you have that 2×4 by the front door. Also works well for unwanted guests and the creep that tries to take your teenage daughter on a date.

  16. Marlene September 28, 2010 at 10:19 pm #

    >Yeah. Who the hell invented "negotiating" or "bartering" with kids, anyway? When did a kid suddenly move up the ladder to actually claim leadership over a parent? Oh wait. I know…when the dumbass stupid parent wannabes let them. Grrrrr.

  17. Lyn September 29, 2010 at 3:14 am #

    >I love your approach!! I don't usually have trouble getting the kids to school on time. If I do get a whine then I sometimes take the passive agressive approch… "Of course you can stay home. You must be sick so I'll just remove everything entertaining out of your bedroom and you can spend the day in bed". When faced with boredom they rethink quick 😉

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