>One of those days.

15 Sep

>

I’ve not been blogging much (or commenting, for that matter) lately.  No apologies. I have just not felt like it. I get tired of living my complaints, much less writing them down and/or spreading it around like a stepped in pile of dog shit. So I have just been quiet. Little by little things seem to be improving. I feel about like I did prior to the hospital visit – which is an improvement. I had some delusion that now that I was getting some vague modicum of treatment, I would actually feel better.  But I don’t and it’s disheartening.
Everyone professes it will get better.  I would just like to know when, really.  June, July, August, and now September.  I still feel like the explosion from the ass of an unpleasant mule. It’s not better – it’s just different. I know I should be gracious. I know it’s a lot worse for a lot of people. I know I should count my blessings, and I do.  Honestly, I really do. I just get tired of it all. I get worn down. I would love for one morning – just one – to wake up and not feeling like my feet and legs have been run over but a very fat man in a very heavy car. I would like to wake up and not have to dodge the dogs whilst making a beeline for the toilet – hoping I don’t shit myself yet again. I would like to make it through the day without being totally exhausted from doing absolutely nothing and in so much pain I want nothing more than to just sit down on the floor and bawl.  I guess that is too much to ask.
So instead, I try to put my mask back on.  It only barely resembles the rabbit it once was at this point. I try to do the Midnight Margarita dance. I try to sing. I try to dance. I try to paint. I try to get past all the bullshit and find the fireflies hiding in the shadows. I try to deal as best I can. I try…
And tomorrow, I will get up and try all over again.
One of these days, though.  I just hope…  One of these days.
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7 Responses to “>One of those days.”

  1. Georgina Dollface September 15, 2010 at 9:05 am #

    >It's OK if you don't want to count your blessings or be gracious or compare your bad days to other people's bad days and then think how grateful you should be. You are allowed to feel what you feel without having to hold it up against anyone else's experience. As much of a fan of gratitude as I am, I also know it can be tricky and if we aren't careful we can end up denying our own feelings because we are too busy comparing our experiences to other people's experiences. You can feel whatever you feel without having to explain it or justify it to anyone. (I hope what I just said makes sense without sounding like a bunch of lofty advice.) Hugs. – G

  2. The Barreness September 15, 2010 at 9:42 am #

    >When I read these posts, I'm always inclined to spout platitudes. To give you some words of wisdom or pearls of happiness to cling to, in the hope that it'll make you feel even a little bit better, but I always stop myself.Not becauae I have nothing to say and not because I dont' think it (or you) worth the effort of sitting down to consider what might make you feel better. But because it's just so f*cking arrogant.How can any of us have the first idea what would make you feel better? We're not in your shoes. Not late at night attempting to sleep or first thing in the morning, attempting to live.So all I can say is that you sound tremendous. Tremendous and brave. I am, as ever, humbled by every single word you type, and have love for you in whatever weird way this electronic existence permits love to exist between strangers.And I hope for you.- B x

  3. Jane September 15, 2010 at 11:29 am #

    >I'm so glad you have this blog to connect and continue to explore the multitude of feelings that you go through. I am grateful for all of your words. If we lived closer I'd come by in my pajamas and big plush bunny slippers and hang out until we laughed ourselves silly :))xoxojane

  4. Pat Tillett September 15, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    >It's okay to feel like shit, it's okay to be totally friggin' pissed off at the world, it's all okay. We're here…

  5. The Ranter's Box September 15, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

    >Lots of love, hugs, good mojo and a plate of yummy cookies on top!!

  6. mice_aliling September 16, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    >First off, you can do whatever with your blog, it's yours. Aren't you the same guy who blogs without the givahootery? Let me know I might be on the wrong page ;)I don't want to be preachy or sound to positive. I will not tell you that this will all pass or it will get better. No words of comfort will make you feel better. I don't want to sound insensitive as well. It's pain that you have to go through. And I have my own pain. And no matter what I do, it's a process i have to deal with.Dickinson said, " After the pain, a formal feeling comes…first the chills, then the stupor then the letting go."

  7. ~L September 17, 2010 at 12:15 am #

    >you are my friend and I love you every morning when you awake to rush hour dog traffic and I love you each night when you dance the midnight mamba with darkness. please read my blog in 15 minutes cuz I'm gonna post a poem I found tonight about you.~L

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