In Six…

21 Aug
I thought things would get better.
Yes, I am complaining. So if my bitching and moaning is going to wrank the lips of your coochie-snorcher into a giant Pink Floydian and mangled bat in an upraoarious tizzy, flapping about and slinging self righteous ooze on everyone, then perhaps this is not the Journey for you.  There are plenty of Mommy Blogs about shitty diapers, bratty ass chil’renses, and adorably vomiting babies out there to appease your Oh-How-Cutery – this blog is probably not what you are looking for. No darling shit-spewing, chunk-hurling, temper-tantrum-throwing toddlers here.  Though, yes Charles, I do have a tiara or two.
I almost died. I got help. I spent a month in the hospital. For what? Now I am home with a fuck lot of pills – handfuls – to take every fucking morning and night. For what? I still feel like shit. I feel like as much shit as I did before the hospital. Granted, I understand the logic that were I not turned into to a Shop Vac for medication I would be a lot worse off that I was. I’d probably, honestly, be dead. But is this living? All this shit is supposed to prolong my life. For what? Great, I live another two decades – miserably. I hurt now 24/7. I can’t sleep. It’s often times difficult to walk.  The nausea has thankfully gone away, though. I am dizzy all the time… 
And I am sure I am an intolerable, bitchy ass, cranky bastard to be around. So what good are we accomplishing here? Really? 
I keep up with the message boards and forums and such of other “Survivors” (what a word to call this) and a good majority of them say ‘this is how it is.’ They have just adapted to it all over the years and accepted it. If you want to live, you get to feel like hammered horse shit that has been run over by a Mack truck and pissed on by a drunken frat boy for the rest of your “life.”
FUCK. 
THAT.  
I am giving it six months on these damned meds. That is a good enough of a go at it to see where it is going to take me. I can’t do years of this. I won’t do years of this. I am usually pretty good at (somewhat) hiding it and making the best of it – or at least making others THINK I am making the best of it. Lately, however, my Mary Fucking Sunshine routine is slipping. I’ve lost my script and just don’t give a damn. I noticed yesterday that my mother was seeing through it all. I could see the concern in her eyes. So it’s not just me that it is affecting. And I am not dealing with a damned bit of it very fucking well.
Anyway – there’s my six words – and then some – for this week. 
It’s been a week. I’m tellin’ ya.
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10 Responses to “In Six…”

  1. Toni August 21, 2010 at 7:35 am #

    Babe, my words won't make it better and they won't make it go away. I can only offer them with love and let you know that I am always thinking about you. I am always sending feel better wishes your way. I am always your friend. If you want to scream into somebody's ear, I would listen. If I could take this away and kick its ass, you know I would. Gosh darnit, I love you. I am so sorry you are hurting.

  2. The Single Chick August 21, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    If you can get some of that pain to escape through your fingers and send it out into the internet universe, then bitch on, I say!! Do whatever you gotta do to get rid of any of the pain….

    …and any one who doesn't like it or get it can take a flying leap into baby vomit.

    Blogging in a new space as
    The Single Chick
    http://confessionsofasinglechick.blogspot.com

  3. G.D. August 21, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

    I know that you know what is best for you. I'll support whatever decisions you make and whatever moods you feel. You never have to worry about 'splaining or complaining in front me. Hugs! – G

  4. Vencora August 21, 2010 at 2:51 pm #

    let it out. blogging, poetry, drawings, whatever. you don't have to put on a show for anyone. you don't need to be all fucking sunshine and rainbows. and it's possible that the less of your pain you try to hide, the more you splatter it across the pages like vomit on the floor, the more of those sunshine and rainbows you might start seeing. and if you want, go ahead and tell me that i don't understand and should go fuck myself with the rest of 'em. might make ya feel better. 😉

  5. Pat Tillett August 21, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

    Keep it in and it festers and grows
    Let it out and the load lightens

    I'm sure you've got a boxcar full, let fly…

  6. gayle August 22, 2010 at 6:32 pm #

    Hate Hate Hate that you are feeling so bad!! Praying that you feel better soon!! Sometimes it takes awhile for your body to get adjusted to all the meds. Praying for a cure and new medicine to help you!!
    Vent all you want!!! Friends don't mind!!

  7. Hills August 23, 2010 at 4:00 am #

    Your crankiness, divine. Your writing, unparalelled. Your “script” , the stuff of Oscars.

    I don;t know you well enough to even attempt to sooth or placate, so I'll just say this:

    It would be a damned shame to lose you and I, like the rest, am happy to play the part of virtual punching bag, should it do anything at all to ease the pain.

    Much stranger love,

    – B x

  8. Call Me Cate August 23, 2010 at 8:30 am #

    I can't offer anything that's going to make it any better. But I'm out here and I'm thinking of you.

  9. Nariane August 23, 2010 at 12:23 pm #

    As they say “better out than in…”

    Let it all hang out. Vent away…

    My words can't fix anything – I wish they could.
    I'm here to listen (and so are they *points to the other comments*)

  10. Marlene August 23, 2010 at 3:24 pm #

    I think you know what you need to do. Put YOURSELF first. If you're not doing this for yourself, then for whom?

    Yeah, we can all be selfish and greedy and want you to be around for a long time…but at what cost?

    I am praying. Praying that the meds you're on miraculously start to make you at least FEEL better so you can live life again…without feeling like shit.

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