Friday Firsts (but not really)

13 Aug
I really don’t have any firsts to share that I can think of. It’s been a rough week, mentally; spiritually, for me this week.  
Physically I am feeling better and I think it’s given me too much time to think. I have finally admitted to myself – or at least acknowledged – that I am sick. This is not going to go away no matter how many pills I suck down. This is the reality of it all. I have got to figure out how to manage it on all levels as best I can. It sucks. It sucks to know that this is it and these are your parameters. 
I think it’s productive though to be realistic about it all instead of the ‘I’ll be okay once the meds kick in’ bullshit I was trying desperately to feed myself. Yes, the meds will improve things, but I will never again be okay.
Think about the choices you make, y’all.  Be conscious of them. Consequence is a mean mother fucker.

8 Responses to “Friday Firsts (but not really)”

  1. Pat Tillett August 13, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    The last paragraph is so true. It'a a hard message to get across to a young person. With youth comes invincibility, or so we think when we're young…

  2. Marlene August 13, 2010 at 12:28 pm #

    Grappling with the reality of illness is never an easy thing. You write so well. (And I'm not even kissing butt.)

  3. Toni August 13, 2010 at 1:05 pm #

    My dear friend…I too fell into the “pills will make it better” frame of thought. It's easier to accept it that way. No matter how bad you feel, I hope you never lose sight of the love your friends have…that I have for you. Hopefully that will do more than any pill can.

    I'm just glad to have you here in my world (yes, I know…I'm a selfish bitch).

  4. Mystz August 13, 2010 at 6:01 pm #

    Pills will mask the symptoms undoubtably, make it easier, and yes, choices made/realities can be a bitch I agree.

    I once read in one of your blogs that you have no regrets. Yes, I imagine if you could go back, you'd do some things differently. Fact of the matter now is, that you cannot. Still, to not regret means you enjoyed every minute of your life, and nothing nor anyone can take that away.

    While you struggle from time to time, please do remember that we love you and the timeless spirit within for which will ALWAYS endure.

    Moving on and looking forward to much much more with the ever feisty Rabbit! 🙂

    Much love x0x0x0x0x

  5. Pearl August 13, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

    Rabbit, I just got here, you know that, and all I can say is that I like your spirit. (Had to poke around a bit, of course. Am looking forward to coming back. You make me feel — and laugh.


  6. KaLynn ("MiMi") August 13, 2010 at 10:54 pm #

    I love you so very much. I know nothing else to say.

  7. ~L August 14, 2010 at 2:01 am #

    I beg to differ with your statement: 'but I will never again be okay.'

    OKAY is subjective to person, time, situation, plan, attitude…and on and on. You are riding the roller coaster again, and this time you are sitting in a different car. You may feel less wind and more vibration this time. You may have a stranger seated next to you who laughs like a hyena and offers to buy you an elephant ear and a glass of sweet tea. The kid unlocking your coaster car may be wearing a pair of pink florescent shoes that make you smile. The possibilities are endless, especially if you choose to ride again.

    'I'm okay, you're okay' was a popular phrase back in the day…those hippies and trippies knew how to simplify life, didn't they? We all jump on and off that ride so we all know what you're facing in terms of decisions and pulling up bootstraps and getting back on that horse.

    My French class friend (referenced @ shades of grey) changed his position on his roller coaster after 9/11, when his friend died while traveling toward her new life decision and was forced to detour through the Pentagon. He lives for NOW and WTF is his mantra. He lives for his friend and all that her future stood for. She lives on in him and he shares her positive influence with me…and I with you…and you with your family and bloggers and everyone in your amusement park.

    Ride on…okay?
    luv and hugs,

  8. The Empress August 15, 2010 at 1:50 am #

    I'm known for snarky ranting and raving, but not always. So here is one big batch of positive mojo just for you Rabbit!
    xo The Empress

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