"Ground Control to Major Tom: Your circuit’s dead. There’s something wrong…"

5 Aug
Fuck.  I am just plain ass give out.  Be glad I waited ’til (most of) the Pity Party has eased on down the road. I’ve barely been out of bed for the last couple of weeks.  I just don’t have it in me.  I am zapped just going from the bed to the bathroom and back.  I need a nap.  Finally started my fucking ARVs last week and I swear to you, I am MORE tired that I was without them.  I thought they were supposed to help things.  I’m feeling as poorly as I did pre-hopsital lately (without the respiratory problem, of course) and I am just tired of it.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of being sick.  I’m tired of the (constant) fight just to function.  I’m.  Just.  Tired.  (Damn, is this an echo of an earlier post?)
Anyway…  My desktop tanked on me the other day so I am behind on graphics work.  I have a list the size of the fat boy’s ass of stuff that needs to get done, but if I am owing you graphics or designs or templates you might want to give me a shout and remind me – just in case you fell in the cracks.  I can’t seem to keep up with anything these days.  Was on the phone with Toni yesterday and I went back to the freezer four times to see how long to cook the chicken strips I was trying to make.  I would read the packaging and forget what it said in the six feet to the microwave…  So frustrating.
But I just wanted to blog something other than jackass quotes, rehashed poems, and cock pics.  I am thinking if I would actually blog and get some of this shit off my chest I would feel better – but (1) I just haven’t been able to force myself to give a shit lately, and (2) I am so sick to death of listening to all the complaining in my head, I am pretty sure you don’t want to read about it.  But I (say) I will make an effort.
More soon.  I just need to get back in the habit.

9 Responses to “"Ground Control to Major Tom: Your circuit’s dead. There’s something wrong…"”

  1. Kate August 5, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

    You're right – it is hard to write down the stuff on your mind. It's much easier to just write some superficial or sarcastic shit and ignore what's really going on. I know this all to well. But you are also right that getting stuff off your chest makes you feel better. It's just bloody hard to get the motivation to write about stuff which hurts – it's really quite counterintuitive too. And don't worry about the readers. There will be the ones who'll read it and will understand and appreciate you all the more for it and there'll be the ones who'll not bother, but it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, you've got to do what's right for you… What a long comment full of nothing. Anyway, I'll be here reading no matter! 🙂

    Kate x

  2. Lynne August 5, 2010 at 4:22 pm #

    I was actually just getting ready to email you.. been thinking of you Warrior Man..

    I don't have any quick fixes, or magic wands because if I did those fuckers would have been Fed-Ex'd weeks ago. What I do have are strong shoulders and two eyes that will always read your rants, cock pics, whatever's. Just get the mess out.. It's negative energy that needs to be done with..
    So as you see fit, please, please, please (Hey, didn't James Brown say that?) write what ever.. we love you and we all care..

    Please continue to strengthen..

  3. Vencora August 5, 2010 at 5:53 pm #

    at least the fact that you're sick and tired gives you and understandable excuse for having to go back to the freezer and check the cooking time of something multiple times. sounds like what i'm always doing. 😛

  4. peace lily August 5, 2010 at 7:23 pm #

    Love you, Rabbit!! Maybe you just NEED to rest. Don't push yourself, let yourself feel whatever you feel! There's no right or wrong way to feel. Stress makes you forgetful and messes with you in a million ways you'd never imagine. And I am pretty sure you are stressed… A little…. Rest, give your body time to adjust to the meds, eat and drink whatever sounds good, talk to a counselor, friends, strangers whoever. Scream if you need to. Don't feel you have to be “strong” (whatever the fuck that means). Let your self fully “feel” what you feel. It's the only way to jump that hurdle! HUGS!!

  5. Ashley King August 6, 2010 at 1:13 am #

    i think everyone who cares about you just wants to hear from you, period. we don't just come for good times, we come for ALL times…. speak away dear friend!!! speak away!!!!

  6. Jane August 6, 2010 at 6:51 am #

    I echo what Ashley King said. We just want to read your words. Period. It doesn't matter what comes out. It's all good. I was just thinking yesterday that the bloggers I connect the most with are those who put it ALL out there. Life just isn't some fluffy sugar trip to the candy store every day. KEEP WRITING!! We are here to support you on this journey.

  7. Marlene August 6, 2010 at 8:43 am #

    Are you allowed to have chocolate? Chocolate instantly makes me feel just a wee bit better most of the time! (((Hugs)))

  8. MamaTink August 6, 2010 at 12:15 pm #

    Um yeah, I am one of those people you promised something to. A button for my blog? Let me know if its asking too much….

  9. gayle August 7, 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    I was just thinking about you the other day! So sorry you are feeling so bad!! Take care of you!!

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