I am Sofa King Tired

20 Jul
This state of limbo is really starting to work my tits. I am so tired of not feeling good. I am so tired of waiting on meds. I am so tired of not having an environment to call my own. I am so tired of not knowing where my next dollar is going to come from. I am so tired.
I am so tired of The Middle. Fuck the middle. I need a beginning. Hell, I would be happy with and end at this point. Just something other than this constant state of flux. I think the reality of being “sick” is starting to set in. I haven’t anything to look forward to anymore. I can’t seem to do anything right and I have no hope for anything changing at this point. This is it. This is my future. Muddling in the middle – and I am not loving it.
I ended up sick again last week. A common cold that most of you wouldn’t even notice – but it kicked my ass and took me out. I still don’t feel 100%, though with me now, 100% aint much. I’ve been an emotional wreck the past week or two, too. I can’t seem to quit crying – over absolutely nothing and everything all at once. I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel like I have any options. I am trying to do everything I can to move forward – or at least accomplish something – and all I seem to be getting are voicemails and dead ends. It so frustrating…
And this is why I have not been blogging.
Anyone have any cheese to go with my whine?

Curious, too, that it was one month ago today I found out it was AIDS…  Maybe it’s just taken me this long to process it?

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7 Responses to “I am Sofa King Tired”

  1. Pat Tillett July 20, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

    Micael – You've been through a hell of a lot in the past couple of months. It's gonna take a while, but look how far you've come in just a month! It's amazing and there is no reason to rush it…

  2. Kate July 21, 2010 at 4:19 am #

    Thinking of you, Micael.

    Kate x

  3. Lynne July 21, 2010 at 5:02 am #

    Micael- I echo Pat's remarks..you are where you need to be, today for a reason.. I know words sometimes seem empty and we want a quick fix..Take it from someone who has been in the fire, you WILL be in the light again.. I pray for you and send you a hug from the sunshine state..

  4. Nariane July 21, 2010 at 11:21 am #

    This! What Pat said!

    Life is a journey with no real destination – the road at times sucks.

    hang in there. We're all cheering for ya. 🙂

  5. Jane July 21, 2010 at 3:40 pm #

    My first thought upon reading this is that I know how you feel (minus the AIDS). It's interesting how people can have vastly different life happenings yet the feelings can be so similar. Stay strong. Keep writing. Keep connecting. I echo everyone else…you've been through a hell of a lot and you need time to process and heal. Sending you light and prayers.

    Jane

  6. ~L July 27, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    I love you and think about you and your light often. Even though I am not present here as much, I am with you on your journey in spirit and stickers alike. 🙂
    L

  7. Midwestern Mama Holly December 14, 2010 at 10:27 am #

    I for one am so glad that youve found your middle again after this. I cant even imagine the wind that was taken out of you when hearing the news of being sick. I would think a month plus many more would not be unreasonable to process it.

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