Archive | June, 2010

What’s it to ya?

30 Jun
I know I was bitchin’ about myself bitchin’ about being sick, but this is more about what finding out I was sick has brought me – rather than taken away.
It’s funny how we initially perceive things.  My world changed on June 5th.  I guess dying will do that to ya.  Finding out it aint gettin’ any better…  June 20th.  I’ve still never really had a come apart about it.  I cried because I was afraid.  I cried because I didn’t understand.  I cried because I didn’t know what was in store.  What to expect.  What really got me though – and still does – was Rosie.  Rosie was one of my nurses.  Mom was at work when I got the AIDS (itself) news rather abruptly.  I was by myself – stunned.  Rosie just happened to come in for vitals or some such.  I really don’t recall why she was there.  I just lost it.  She didn’t say much.  She didn’t ask if I needed a hug.  She just held me and let me cry.  She already knew, of course.  It had been on my chart for days…  but in that moment she reminded me that there are people in this world worth living for – and with.  I don’t know Rosie’s last name.  I will probably never see her again.  But if angels do walk this earth, I’m tellin’ y’all, Rosie is one of them.
This being sick silliness has also given me the out I needed.  Not quite like I envisioned, but out none the less.  For the last couple of years I have sat and wondered how the hell to get out of the living situation I was in.  It was toxic – both literally and spiritually.  Bad mojo.  I would sit day after day hoping something – ANYthing would give.  Just get me out.  I forgot to specify:  Get me out ALIVE.  Moral of this story, boys and girls?  BE SPECIFIC (and really damned careful what you wish for).  But I am out and that’s all that really matters.  I just wish I hadn’t been dyin’ to get here…
Mom and I are closer now too.  We’ve had a rocky relationship over the years for a number of reasons, but I think spending the better part of twenty days cooped up in a hospital together changes things (she barely went home or to work for most of that time).  Or maybe me tipping over That Bucket changed me.  I don’t know.  Regardless…  Things are different with us now.  Different good in all the right ways.  I am glad I am here (in her home) to heal.  She may feel differently on my cranky Red Smith days, but I am working on it.  And “it’s okay to be grumpy.” Seriously though, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  As my body heals, it seems so does our relationship,  I’ll take on whatever illness you chunk at me for that.  It’s worth it.
I’ve learned so much.  I’ve learned to believe again.  I’ve learned that if you are unhappy where you are – be it physical or emotional or whatever – just get up and get the fuck out.  Otherwise you might die tryin’ – and trust – it aint fun.  I’ve learned it’s never to late to fix it.  If it matter to you – if it aint right – make it right.  Fix it.  This last month with Mom has been worth all the pills and IVs and needles and bad news just to get here.  Don’t be like me and let it take a fatal disease to wake you up and realize what you almost lost.  Make the effort now.  You may not always get the second chance I have.