What’s it to ya?

30 Jun
I know I was bitchin’ about myself bitchin’ about being sick, but this is more about what finding out I was sick has brought me – rather than taken away.
It’s funny how we initially perceive things.  My world changed on June 5th.  I guess dying will do that to ya.  Finding out it aint gettin’ any better…  June 20th.  I’ve still never really had a come apart about it.  I cried because I was afraid.  I cried because I didn’t understand.  I cried because I didn’t know what was in store.  What to expect.  What really got me though – and still does – was Rosie.  Rosie was one of my nurses.  Mom was at work when I got the AIDS (itself) news rather abruptly.  I was by myself – stunned.  Rosie just happened to come in for vitals or some such.  I really don’t recall why she was there.  I just lost it.  She didn’t say much.  She didn’t ask if I needed a hug.  She just held me and let me cry.  She already knew, of course.  It had been on my chart for days…  but in that moment she reminded me that there are people in this world worth living for – and with.  I don’t know Rosie’s last name.  I will probably never see her again.  But if angels do walk this earth, I’m tellin’ y’all, Rosie is one of them.
This being sick silliness has also given me the out I needed.  Not quite like I envisioned, but out none the less.  For the last couple of years I have sat and wondered how the hell to get out of the living situation I was in.  It was toxic – both literally and spiritually.  Bad mojo.  I would sit day after day hoping something – ANYthing would give.  Just get me out.  I forgot to specify:  Get me out ALIVE.  Moral of this story, boys and girls?  BE SPECIFIC (and really damned careful what you wish for).  But I am out and that’s all that really matters.  I just wish I hadn’t been dyin’ to get here…
Mom and I are closer now too.  We’ve had a rocky relationship over the years for a number of reasons, but I think spending the better part of twenty days cooped up in a hospital together changes things (she barely went home or to work for most of that time).  Or maybe me tipping over That Bucket changed me.  I don’t know.  Regardless…  Things are different with us now.  Different good in all the right ways.  I am glad I am here (in her home) to heal.  She may feel differently on my cranky Red Smith days, but I am working on it.  And “it’s okay to be grumpy.” Seriously though, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  As my body heals, it seems so does our relationship,  I’ll take on whatever illness you chunk at me for that.  It’s worth it.
I’ve learned so much.  I’ve learned to believe again.  I’ve learned that if you are unhappy where you are – be it physical or emotional or whatever – just get up and get the fuck out.  Otherwise you might die tryin’ – and trust – it aint fun.  I’ve learned it’s never to late to fix it.  If it matter to you – if it aint right – make it right.  Fix it.  This last month with Mom has been worth all the pills and IVs and needles and bad news just to get here.  Don’t be like me and let it take a fatal disease to wake you up and realize what you almost lost.  Make the effort now.  You may not always get the second chance I have.

6 Responses to “What’s it to ya?”

  1. Vencora June 30, 2010 at 6:22 am #

    stunning reflection, dearling. i'm happy to hear of the strengthening bond between you and your mother. may times treat you well.

  2. G.D. June 30, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    This was really, really touching. I feel blessed to have been a part of your blogging world between you and your Mom. I could see so much love and concern in her updates whenever she wrote about you. It really was special to witness two people coming together and reminded me that no matter what happens, family is family. I wouldn't trade mine for anything. There is a special place in heaven for people like your Mom, and my Mom too, who take care of their children with such love and devotion. – G

  3. Ashley King June 30, 2010 at 10:43 am #

    i couldn't agree with you more….

    i'm telling you, being in the medical field will change you (in a good way) if you let it…. there are SO many people you see on their deathbed wishing things were different, but still doing nothing to make an attempt to change it. you have got the right attitude and things WILL be different for you. you just watch…. =) i'm glad you're feeling better and more positive. that makes me so happy!

  4. Nariane June 30, 2010 at 7:50 pm #

    I'm glad both you and your Mom are getting closer!
    and thank you for those thoughts. We all need to remember that.

    Rosie is just one of those angels – the kind that are there when you need them.

  5. Mystz June 30, 2010 at 8:04 pm #

    Firstly,.. I believe in Angels,..your Rosie and your Mom have proven as such…

    Secondly..I believe in miracles..the new bond{ing} between your Mom and family is one..the second..I still believe that you have a long way ahead of you to come, tough tho may be the journey ahead but TG you have your second chance to live in and to live for…x0x0x0x

  6. Jane July 10, 2010 at 7:51 am #

    This post profoundly moved me this morning. I've spent the better part of my 45 years running away from myself and wondering what it will take to “find myself” and be really happy. It gets tiring sitting in the same shit each day. You are so right….if a person needs to change just get the fuck out…do something…anything. Thank you for these words today.

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