My Bucket List needs a Bucket List

22 Jun
What a month!  After almost dying 18 days ago…  Finding out I was HIV+…  Finding out I have AIDS…  And turning 34 this coming Saturday, I feel like I have been through the wringer!!!  But all in all other than a few brief FML pity party moments – which  I think anyone would have all things considered – I have dealt relatively well.  My only real fall apart was when I realized that everyone but me (and Mimi) knew it had already advanced to actual AIDS and not just HIV.  There was that moment of panic there that I wasn’t expecting.  But it passed.  I reevaluated the situation and am moving forward from there.  
But the weird thing is, I feel like it should all be having more of an impact.  I feel like I should be feeling more.  But I don’t.  Maybe it is just because of the hard knocks I have already been through…  That this just seems like another relative bump in the road.  I have been through so much already that this just seems another task to weather.  I dunno.  But I feel like I should feel more.  
I think about what all I want – the proverbial Bucket List – but the only thing I have come up with thusly is to get a Bucket List!  I’ve written my play.  I have written my novel.  I have loved.  I have hated.  I’ve been to all the places I dreamed about seeing as a kid.  I have danced.  I have sang.  Hard knocks or not, there hasn’t been much that I desired that I didn’t do.  Idle hands have never been a problem for me.  Not enough hands was probably more of an issue.
So maybe this diagnosis is my next challenge.  I can’t help but to feel that this is, in its own way, a good thing.  I am a tough ol’ bastard so maybe this has been given to me to do something with.  It broke my heart tonight to learn that my own grandmother, who has come from across the state to help take care of me, was afraid she could get sick from slobber.  From drinking or eating after me.  (And she drove all day long to do it anyway.)  There is so much ignorance and miseducation about the disease out there – and people living in fear of it – that perhaps I am to be a voice of reason.  I am so blessed with being a good communicator and lawd knows when I get anywhere near a soapbox it’s on like lab monkey on meth…  So maybe that’s what this is all about.  
I just keep digging for – or at least expecting – the upset – the woe is me – but it just isn’t there.  WOAH is me as I fall out of bed again, maybe…  But the rest of it?  Not so much.  Will be interesting to see how it all plays out.  With me, there’s no tellin’.  I think there is a freedom in it all too.  I am finally getting out of the living/roommate situation I have been struggling to break free of for years.  I finally understand WHY I have been so sick for so long – and have some direction to look toward to at least feeling better – even if I don’t ever actually get “well” I can now at least improve my comfort level of living.  I know somewhere to go now instead of just wondering what the hell is wrong and why taking a shit wears me out so much I need a nap.
It’s the little things now.  It’s like I have been given the knowledge of the moments I have left.  And damned if I am not going to take full advantage of it.  We’ll work on the Bucket List later.

12 Responses to “My Bucket List needs a Bucket List”

  1. Toni June 22, 2010 at 7:13 am #

    Looks like you keep getting one diagnosis after the other. Have they figured out yet that you are the carrier of ImSoFuckingAwesomegens disease? I, just a lone country bumpkin, diagnosed that a long time ago (just saying). I know you are going to be a voice people need to hear. And God Bless your grandma…what a sweetie! I'm putting your feel good box in the mail today. It's just a few fun things! I love you! Smile!

  2. June 22, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    I'm smilin'! But then again, you always make me smile.

    I just can't find the negative in all this. I mean, sure, dying sucks – but when you think about it, we're all dying – I just kind of got a heads up that I need to get my ass in gear and do something!

    Or maybe I just fell off the bed too many times, bonked my head and have a skewed perspective – which is also entirely possible!

  3. G.D. June 22, 2010 at 8:36 am #

    I doodled for you today. I hope it's OK. – G

  4. June 22, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    Yay! I love your Doodles!!!

  5. Lynne June 22, 2010 at 9:14 am #

    You know I am new to this party here, and i want to stay.. You are one helluva guy.. In just a few blogs i see that warrior in you and I like warriors..Not much of a review (i know), but know this, you have purpose and you will use it..and i will be in your fanclub…

  6. June 22, 2010 at 9:27 am #

    Thanks, Lynne! But dang it if you didn't make me cry! Welcome to the club – it's got some pretty awesome folk around here – glad you're part of it!

  7. Ms.Martinez June 22, 2010 at 10:25 am #

    Bucket list? Seems like something for retirees to be planning~ not a soon to be 34 year old! Seems unfair, but I commend you on your strength & tenacity to endure this all. I really like the part where you said ” we are all dying”. Couldn't agree more. Some of us are already dead & just don't know it. I am glad to read that you have had your “fill” on life, but I refuse to believe that it's even long from over for you~ you are far too strong & special for that! You are in my daily thoughts & prayers old amigo! ❤ ❤ ❤

  8. June 22, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    I don't know that I have yet truly had my “fill” but it has certainly had its fulfilling moments. For all the shadows there has been a helluva lot of light too. I am just excited for this new opportunity to make a difference somewhere, somehow. Not everyone is presented with a chance like this to bring forth something positive (pun intended) out of such a seemingly dismal diagnosis. <3s right back at ya! Glad you are back in my life!

  9. Pat Tillett June 22, 2010 at 12:24 pm #

    You really sound like you are feeling better. I know “sound” is the wrong word, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm glad you're back…
    All the positive vibes I can muster are coming your way….

  10. Ashley King June 22, 2010 at 1:27 pm #

    THIS is the attitude that's going to keep you here and healthy…. 😉

  11. KaLynn ("MiMi") June 22, 2010 at 1:30 pm #

    I love you kid. You have stood strong in the midst of all of this. I am proud of you. I love you muches. I believe you are right, good will come out of this. All we have to do is look for it. Look up, not down. See the good, not the bad.

    You are the bestest.

    Your mama

  12. Mystz June 23, 2010 at 12:12 am #

    I honestly don't know what to say…

    On reading this over..I can say though that I felt many emotions welling up..including the tears in my eye's..

    I felt sad, angry, concerned, forlorn and even cheated, and I'm not the one who is sick. I WISH I could rip it away from you Micael..wish I could take it all away.

    I unfortunately don't have the powers to do that but I do have the power to pray and love you for who you are even more considering. You truly are a beautiful soulful person, and a pillar of strength considering. Man, I WISH I had a smidgen of your resilience not to mention your wonderful outlook on life and your outlandish sense of humor no matter what it throws at you.

    Your bucket overflows with many droplets of experiences, many colorful, some black and white and with colors unique only to you..I'm blessed to be a droplet in it and blessed in knowing you, having you as a friend now and for a very long time to come…

    Take good care and think BARRELS..not buckets..x0x

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