Let’s just go there…

16 Jun
Miserable fuckin’ night in isolation tonight.  All my regulars that I like are off tonight.  Instead I have Muttering Maude (aka Grandma Dumbfuck) as my main nurse who never shuts up and drags half of the nurses station equipment through and into the door every time she comes to fuck with something – so sleeping is out…  And Big Butted Bowhead of the Cunt Tribe as my CNA.  I am hungry.  I can’t breathe.  I am so sick of tasting this damn saline from the IVs, and I am out of water…  GRRRR.  Whine.  Cheese.  Tiny violin.  Yeah, I know.
If my window opened I would throw someone out of it.  I wouldn’t jump myself, of course, because all that would happen would be I land on my face and spend the rest of my life yowling “I am not an animal!!!” at whomever didn’t run screaming away first, but whatever.
I want my fucking Ativan.  
I think the reality of it all hit today.  They told me I could be going home (ha ha ha) early and instead of a positive response, I thought “Well FUCK.”  I dunno where to go.  What to do at this point.  I am afraid of getting sick again.  I am afraid of not being able to work.  I am afraid of not having somewhere to live in which I don’t get sick again AND can afford.  I am afraid I can’t afford the necessary meds and will be sick anyway so what the hell is the point.  I am just give out.  Tired of the fight.  Tired of the sympathy.  Tired of the sick.  Tired of the well intentions.  I just want it all to stop.  But we all know that aint gonna happen either.  
I don’t know what to expect next.  I don’t know what I WANT to expect next.  I really don’t know a mother fucking thing about any of this lately.  One of my main doctors is looking into some options and possible solutions for me so that I can (perhaps) make some kind of educated – or at least informed – decisions – but I really just want to throw my hands up and say the hell with it.  But I don’t even know how to do THAT either.
Aint Life grand, y’all?  More like a Grand Mal Fuckin’ Seizure.  *twitch twitch*

2 Responses to “Let’s just go there…”

  1. Penny June 17, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    Do you know when you are getting out? I'm sorry you are ill my love. You should check with hospital case management. Sometimes they can offer programs to help with costs and like I have offered before, I work in medical so any samples I can send you just ask! I will mail them out ASAP.
    Sending you lots of love.

  2. Toni June 17, 2010 at 1:23 pm #

    Sorry you had a rough night. Hopefully today is better. Maybe this nurse will make you laugh…



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