How ya durrin?

7 Apr
With all the changes going on lately, I am often left staring in the proverbial mirror wondering who this cat is starting back at me.  It’s been such a slight and constant evolution, that I don’t really recognize any momentous milestones.  Ever’ now and then I just notice the change.  It’s in my approach to things.  It’s in my lack of reactions (yes, exception being my hissy fit the other morning)…  But I have always been what one might call “high strung.”  And while that tendency is still there, I find that I am just not being participatory in it all (as much) any longer.
Bullshit dumbfuckery still occurs (abounds actually and usually on a daily basis, courtesy of TC) – and honestly, it still works the hell out of my tits.  But instead of foaming at the mouth and pissin’ on the rug over it, I just shut up and let it go…
I think a big part of it is that at some point in the last few months something clicked – both with TC and my mother (Those two could be identical twins with the way they behave!!! And they hate one another! Go figure…) and I recognized the passive-aggressive attention-whoring for what it is… And I decided – be it consciously or not – that I just do not want to participate in it all any longer. It’s utterly exhausting and a complete and total waste of time and energy. I’ve pulled way back into myself as a result and in turn discovered some serious soul searchin’ that I’d not intended.
I am curious to see who I will be – and who I will become – this summer with my return home. It’s been 14 years now… Then, I was nothing but reactionary. Then, I was drunk – 24/7. Then, I was a coke snorting needle junkie. Then, I was a Drag Queen and a codependent hot tranny mess of a human being…
Now, I say to myself… I say, “Self?” Self says, “What’s up, Boo?” I say, “Self, who am I now…? Who will I be?” 
Self doesn’t know, either.
But I can’t wait to find out.


8 Responses to “How ya durrin?”

  1. Vencora April 7, 2010 at 11:26 am #

    ^_^ there's something about this year for people, it seems. it's a year for awakening, i figure. it seems like everyone i know has started out 2010 losing some “important” thing they've been clinging to (physical/mental/both) and having to discover a better way of being.
    . . . okay, i just about starting writing a novel in your comments section. i must stop now and step away from the keyboard, lol.

  2. Toni April 7, 2010 at 11:27 am #

    I think you are going to be the guy you never knew you could be. Happy, relaxed, and enjoying a brand new day with every sunrise.
    I'm so excited to be a part of the “new”. Love you lots!

  3. Toni April 7, 2010 at 11:28 am #

    Vencora…we were a minute apart. Cool!

  4. April 7, 2010 at 11:35 am #

    Vencora: Novels are always welcome, love. No worries.

    Toni: You are one of the brightest blessings and biggest surprises of this new year. I can't begin to express how happy I am to have you in my world. (Love the new profile pic! It looks good like that!!!)

  5. Mainland Streel April 11, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    I'm sorry it took me a few days to get here! Hello! 🙂

    I'm really excited for you! Not just for your return home, but for this new self that you're discovering. I sounds like you've found some peace with yourself. It's not an easy thing to come by, it seems.

    Reading Vencora's comment made me realize that I, too, started this year by losing something (or rather, someone) and it caused me to see who I was without the part of myself that lived on in our (unhealthy) friendship. It's been an unintended growing experience for me. Painful, but very welcome.

    Novel #2. :/

  6. Just Juanita April 11, 2010 at 8:22 pm #

    What an adventure!

    On the journey to a new and undiscovered Self and returning to a place that remembers you as the self you are not, nor the self you are journeying to become…..I have no doubt that any of selves you evolve to or through will be just as thought-provoking, “fuck”-saying, awe-inspiring, shit-disturbing, over-the-friggin-moon talented as the self you are now.

    All in all, you're you no matter where you are….so muthafuckas better get ready!

  7. Just Juanita April 11, 2010 at 8:22 pm #

    Hmmm…I wonder where the J went in my name?!?!

    ~Lady J~

  8. G.D. April 12, 2010 at 5:59 pm #

    I'm late getting 'round these parts too. While I was reading this, I was overcome with an indescribable kind of calm feeling – like I just knew that everything you wanted was going to happen to you in the best way possible.
    There is so much that I ❤ about what you bring to the world. - G

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