Why Me?

5 Apr
It never fails. I just got back from getting cigarettes at the local dollar store. Now I can’t enter a dollar store without looking at every damned thing on the shelves that I just looked at the day prior – but that’s neither here nor there. Today, however, I wish it hadn’t been either of the two…
I was on the aisle with the toilet paper, napkins, et cetera – because these things need to be examined.  A tiny faded woman of indeterminate origin and chin pubes approached me carrying two different varieties of t.p.  Now, I fuck you not, this is how the conversation went down:
Lady:  (rather loudly, startling me) Esscoooze me?  You try these?
Me:  No m’am, I’m sorry I haven’t. (I prefer to squeeze the Charmin, if you care.)
Lady:  I just wonder if deese feel the nice on dee…  Hole…  No?  You no know?
(At this point I had to pick up my jaw, the items I was carrying, and my eyes off the floor because they just bugged the fuck right up outta my noggin.)
Me:  Uh….  No ma’am….  Uh…  I really don’t know.  I have never tried either one.
Lady:  (Looking rather dejected.)  Ohhhhh…  Okay.  Sank you.  I just don’t like when it for to go scritcha scritch on dee hole – on dee hole of dee butt, you know…?
Me:  (How the fuck do I get out of this one???) I understand…  Maybe you should ask the cashier?  Maybe she will know?
Lady:  (As if a light went off!) Ooh yes!  Sank you sank you.  I ask.
And away she went with her ass wipe.  I felt kind of bad, because the ol’ gal that runs the register is VERY prim and proper (and elderly) so I can imagine HER shock with this lovely inquiry.  She did look a little green around the gills when I went to check out.
Never fails.  Be it on the bus…  At the Dollar Store…  Where EVER…  THEY always find ME.  
Do I have a flashing beacon over my head that I am unaware of???
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3 Responses to “Why Me?”

  1. Vencora April 5, 2010 at 11:51 pm #

    lmfao. wow, that blog woke me up. ^_^

  2. Toni April 6, 2010 at 7:04 am #

    I have some very personal questions I need to ask you…when you have a moment. What do you know about personal lubricants vs. vaseline? Also, is it better to pluck or wax nipple hairs? Meet me at the Dollar General and we will discuss my options. Thanks for your help.

    😉 love

  3. Mainland Streel April 11, 2010 at 8:45 am #

    Oh, I almost lost it reading this. Bah ha!

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